Archive | May, 2012

Chat lines

31 May


By Dr. Gary Chapman

The significance – particularly men’s fascination and search for the killer chat-up line – is underpinned by some serious behavioural reasons.

Many studies have highlighted the significance of first impressions. And chat-up lines are in many situations first impressions – especially in a crowded, noisy, dynamic environment, where casual visual impressions have far less impact.

Typically people form a view about someone they meet for the first time extremely quickly.

Some theories suggest this happens in a matter of just a few seconds.

It is easy to demonstrate this by simply considering your own reactions to others. Whether we want to or not, we find it very difficult not to form an instant impression when we meet someone for the first time.

It is easy to demonstrate this by simply considering your own reactions to others. Whether we want to or not, we find it very difficult not to form an instant impression when we meet someone for the first time.

These judgements are partly instinctive.

This is arguably a capability that has become fine-tuned in each of us through thousands of generations of human evolution.

Our senses and capabilities in this respect have evolved for reasons of survival (detecting threats quickly), and from successful mating (where the offspring of compatible genetic types thrives better than less compatible couplings).

We exist today because somewhere in our ancestry, our great-great-great etc etc grandmothers (mainly) managed to avoid men who would rape, kill and possibly eat them, and instead managed to select men to mate with who would enable the resultant issue to grow strong enough in body and mind to continue the genetic line until it reached you.

In prehistoric times, life was a bit tougher than it was today. There were no laws, no human rights, no police and no CCTV. So vulnerable womenfolk had to live by their wits and any other senses which would inform their reactions, or their misjudgement could literally be the end of the line.

The chat-up line is therefore a modern equivalent of the prehistoric life or death, and genetic matching mental handshake.

The consequences of getting it wrong today are less serious, but in terms of first impressions, the moment of truth comes just as early in the meeting.

This is a simple theory for understanding the different romantic loving relationship needs of people, developed by the noted American counsellor and author Dr Gary Chapman. He calls these needs The Five Languages of Love:

  1. Affirmation – being appreciated and told so.
  2. Attention – spending time together alone.
  3. Gifts – tangible expressions of love – not necessarily expensive.
  4. Help – willing ‘acts of service’ – doing things for the other person.
  5. Touch – physical contact – stroking, hugging, etc.

Gary Chapman developed his concept ostensibly for married couples but the core principles arguably apply to most romantic and sexual relationships.

A helpful lesson within the Chapman Five Love Languages theory is to remind us that relationships work when both people’s needs are met, and that knowing each other’s needs is a very important step towards this aim. The model is a simple and effective structure for such understanding.

Chapman asserts that while there are many different needs which represent the love sought by people in romantic relationships, these needs can be categorised into five main areas. Chapman calls these ‘the five languages of love’.

People need these things in different degrees. Chapman refers to the mixture of needs as a ‘love strategy’.

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Logically we form and maintain better relationships when we satisfy the needs of the other person in the mixture or balance they require.

Human nature tends instead to focus our mind on our own needs, and in many cases to assume that our partner has similar needs, which is usually quite wrong.

It is common in relationships for partners to have less than full understanding of each other’s love needs.

For example a husband or boyfriend might give plenty of task-related support and gifts, and wonder why the relationship fails to respond, when perhaps his partner actually needs time alone and some hugging and stroking.

A wife or girlfriend might imagine that time together and sex will strengthen the relationship with her man, when maybe what he needs is affirmation – to believe that his woman loves him and thinks he’s great.

Knowing each other’s needs (especially the primary one or two needs), and then responding to them, is crucial for sustaining a successful mutually loving relationship.

Given five main needs, the potential combinations and misunderstandings are limitless, although Chapman simplifies this by suggesting that each person tends to have a primary need, augmented by a mixture of less vital needs. Identifying one primary need and then meeting it is obviously an easier way to start than trying to prioritise and then address appropriately all five.

Chapman’s model certainly helps emphasise the importance of seeing relationships from the viewpoint of the other person, not oneself, which is a common human failing.

The validity of a simple theory like this will always be open to debate, however Chapman’s concept is very widely referenced and seems to make good sense. Certainly, the model provides an excellent framework for discussing and understanding mutual needs – even one’s own needs, which are not always well understood by oneself.

The Five Languages of Love model first appeared in Gary Chapman’s best-selling book ‘The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate’, which was first published in 1992, and has sold several million copies.

Dr Gary Chapman is an anthropologist by academic training (anthropology is the study of humankind and human behaviour). He is also a pastor and deeply religious man. He has written many other books around the ‘Five Languages’ theme and is a popular speaker.

You can also read further on love and relationships at the link below:

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Benefits of courtship

22 May

Written by Crystal Green

A couple who sets out to officially begin courting agrees to make a conscious effort to be with each other. Unlike dating, traditional courting doesn’t allow for having coffee with one person on Thursday and another on Saturday morning. Courting is a bit more strict, where a couple takes their time through the process with the end goal being to be together exclusively. Although dating and courting are quite different and some people want options for who else they can date, there are benefits to the process of courtship.

Get to Know You Better                                                                                   

The main benefit of courting is the process of getting to know each other. There’s no rush to get into a relationship where you’re OK with skipping the important details to get to the fun stuff. As you court, you spend as much time as needed to learn things about each other, such as hobbies, favorite things, dreams and aspirations. The more you get to know about the person, the more confident you become that this person is someone you can spend your life with.

Parents’ Permission

For young courters, it’s customary for the guy to ask the girl’s parents for permission to date their daughter before proceeding with any other plans. It is the parents who create a stamp of approval for what the couple is doing. Getting this much-needed support works to have another set of eyes monitoring the relationship to assist with steering it in the right direction.

Self Before Sex

As casual sex becomes more prevalent in the dating world, a huge advantage to courting is really holding off on sex until you get to the core of who the person is and what his true intentions are. Here is where patience really does prove to be a virtue because courters believe that holding off from getting physical with a partner adds weight and genuineness to the relationship.

Dedicated Commitment

One final component to courting is that, by tradition, the whole point of it is establishing that the person you are dealing with will ultimately be considered “the one.” This means that, going into the relationship, everyone’s on the same page as to the end goal. Having an understanding of dedicated commitment can release a bit of pressure off of you instead of causing you to wonder where you both stand, leaving room for more time to get to know each other.


Sassy, Single, and Satisfied

18 May

<a href="” title=”Sassy, Single, and Satisfied “>Sassy, Single, and Satisfied

Used versus Loved

17 May

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child’s hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father…..with painful eyes he asked, ‘Dad when will my fingers grow back?’

The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions… sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written ‘LOVE YOU DAD’.

The next day that man committed suicide…

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life…

Things are to be used and people are to be loved, But the problem in today’s world is that, People are used and things are loved…

From So You Want to Get Into Courtship?

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Must read !

14 May

<a href="” title=”Must read !”>Must read !

Personal Responsibility

14 May

BY Samuel Ng’ang’a Mwangi

Personal responsibility results in increase in the rate of success and decrease in the examination cheating among the students in schools


The word personal responsibility is the self-awareness of a person towards the success of ones life. It is also being awareness of the initial goal of one’s life hence doing everything towards one’s own progress, to attain ones initial plan. Different people can define personal responsibility differently but one of the major definitions is that it is an attempt to use own effort to be successful in all that he or she does. The responsible person is the one who can make decisions and face the consequences of those decisions without complaining. One is responsible in life if one can be able to make progress in life by abstaining anything, which might lead astray. Making such decisions needs a strong person whose focus is purely in God and his ability to work through in life without affecting anyone around negatively (Reiss, 2010).

The main aim of the personal responsibility is to be able to show forth and even express the inner most beauty in visible ways, by responding to the issues of life and express your genuine love towards yourself and other people. The main aim of one’s personal responsibility is to ensure that the environment can also benefit from the gift of your appearance in that particular place of the society. Making ones personal responsibility relies majorly on the person who wants to ensure total success in everything they are doing. It also takes one’s self to be able to motivate own self to pursue a goal that seems difficult for people or even which people might neglect due to the vices that they are doing.

Relationship between personal responsibility and college success

There is correlation between personal responsibility of the student and their success in college. This relationship exists because personal responsibility directly affects issues that are pertinent to ones life such as family, education, relationships as well as physical and spiritual well-being of an individual. Personal responsibility determines the success of the student in college for a number of reasons (Charles, 2008).

The first reason is that self-discipline or self-control. Personal responsibility is the ability to be in control of ones life in terms of emotions and actions. Students who do not have personal responsibility concerning their lives are prone to influences of doing what others are doing without proper reasons because they simply shift the blame on others when things do not go as they were expected. This lack of self-control comes about because any individual without a sense of personal responsibility will always be irresponsible. A student without personal responsibility will blame the lecturer for failing in the exam. On the other hands a student who has personal responsibility will not blame the lecture for the failure rather the student will critically analyze the reasons behind his failure and decide that they have a responsibility to pass. This explains why students who have a sense of personal responsibility have higher scores than those without personal responsibility (Bourbon, 1994).

Students who know that their actions affect others are also sensitive to the needs of others. They know when they have hurt someone and they are quick to apologize. If they wrong a teacher, they are likely to apologize. This endears them to both their fellow students and to their teachers. This harmonious coexistence with others because of taking personal responsibility creates inner peace and concentration required by the mind for study purposes. Therefore, a student who has personal responsibility is likely to understand concepts better than a student who is at loggerheads with everyone (Charles, 2008).

Peer pressure a factor that wields huge influence on the college students seems not to have a major effect on students who have a sense of responsibility. Personal responsibility dictates that ones actions have consequences even when acted in a group setting. Drug abuse, which often starts in a group setting, is not likely to affect a student who has a personal responsibility over his actions. This means that students who are personally responsible for their lives are unlikely to be involved in drug abuse, which negatively affects one academic performance (Charles, 2008).

The other factor that makes the student who takes personal responsibility to succeed in college more than those who do not take personal responsibility is that they do not allow circumstances to hinder their progress in life. They have a high sense of self-esteem or self worth, which makes them to confront issues critically rather than emotionally. Students who feel that they are not in control pity themselves when they have issues to deal with in their lives thus affecting their physical health negatively. This may lead to absenteeism from classes and even suicidal cases (Charles, 2008).

Students who are aware of the word personal responsibility also manage to delay gratification. Delay of gratification is simply the ability to deny oneself pleasure in pursuit of a particular goal. Personal responsibility enables the student to stick out or to persevere in pursuit of academic excellence thereby delaying the enjoyment of pleasures, which may affect the concentration, or peace of mind in pursuit of excellence. They delay gratification of pleasures such as drug use, sexual relationships, and hooliganism known to affect student’s academic performance (Bourbon, 1994).


A plan to incorporate effective strategies for success as a student

As a student, one should ensure that all the work given does not go to waste by ensuring that all people around you do not copy the assignments but rather do their own work as commanded by the lectures or professors. Copying of other student’s work robs the student competency and the necessary self-confidence required by the jobs as well as circumstances outside college. This will be a great stride in personal responsibility by personally handle one assignment, as it will give the student a chance to assess his mastery of the topic in an honest manner.

One should also ensure that the area surrounding the school is always clean and ready for use by anyone who wants to learn all students can breathe the right air as required by the education policies. Commitment to the environment is imperative in promoting personal responsibility not only over oneself but also on the environment at large (Bourbon, 1994).

One should also have a personal timetable that will assist one to manage time during study hours and to reduce time wastage during other activities. One should also ensure timely completion of the school projects to avoid being at loggerheads with the lecturers. This is because the recognition that time is a resource and that it is precious and it is out of order to waste it is the beginning of personal development (Bourbon, 1994).

There is need of reviewing ones plans and goals now and then for better performance. Goal setting enables one to review their personal progress. Goals also provide a sense of purpose to a student as they focus ones actions and activities towards one major goal. One should break down those goals into daily goals, monthly goals and yearly goals.


Personal responsibility is an important aspect of human life. It is even more important when the student learns personal responsibility early in life. The apathy, accidents, and laziness, which lead to lower standards of living, are preventable if the students learn early in life to exercise responsibility over their own lives. The world would certainly be a better place if the blame games stopped and people took responsibility over their actions. This change can start from the school especially of teachers take as their responsibility to instill a culture of taking responsibility among students.

Performance of college students therefore directly relates to the student’s ability to take personal responsibility over their lives. Although there is no direct correlation between college grades and success in life, there is direct correlation between the ability to take responsibility in life and to succeed elsewhere. One of the best environments to nurture personal responsibility in ones life is in college and students in college should take it upon themselves to ensure that they not only score better grades in life but they have also mastered the art of self responsibility which will propel them to higher heights of life.



Charles, Chester (2008). Building Classroom Discipline Boston: Pearson Education

Bourbon, Thomas. (1994) Discipline at Home and at School: New York: Brandt

Reiss, Stephen. (2010) what Happened to personal responsibility? Volume 8 Chicago, Journal of Psychology

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