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Pillars of long lasting relationship (Part one): COMMITMENT

8 Sep

Pillars of long lasting relationship (Part one): COMMITMENT
I have realized that no sooner than I think that I have met a great person that I can settle down with, a new exciting person appears who is better or more beautiful than the one I had seen. I start seeing weaknesses of my great person and they suddenly become familiar while the new person becomes exciting to be with. Unfortunately once I have become close to them then I realize that a better person than them exists and I cannot withstand their presence anymore and the cycle continues. This led to me to be inquisitive about great couples who have stayed with each other for more than twenty five years. How have they overcome familiarity and weaknesses of each other and remained together for years.
Great relationships take great work. The just do not happen. In my case studies on couples who have been married for more than twenty five years, there were some outstanding traits which were present in all those relationships. These traits are the values which have kept them glued to one another for such a prolonged time. In this article the focus will be one of the trait present in those great relationships. The trait which was amazing was the sense of commitment that the couples had towards each other. As a young person aspiring to have and be in a great relationship that will lead into marriage and not just marriage but marriage that lasts until death do us part, I have great interest in having a successful relationship. I therefore embrace don a journey to identify the values or pillars which held couples together till death separated them. Some of the relationship values which were upheld by this values included openness, trust, commitment, sense of gratitude and common interests.
In this article I will share about commitment and later discuss other traits in subsequent articles. Commitment is defined as an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. Commitment is therefore dedication to a cause which comes with restrictions from pursuing other courses. In other words a committed person has chance and opportunities to be pursue and be engaged to other courses pursuits and objectives but makes a rational decision to pursue only one course of action. In relationships commitment can be seen as the ability or the choice/decision to restrict oneself to focus on and love and share affection with one person despite having opportunity to share life, affection and love with as many people as they are available. Commitment is a sense of self denial and self-regulation to love one person through thick and thin or for better and for worse. It is loving one person even when you know all their weaknesses. Commitment in relationship is loving that one person even when you do not feel like it. According to Dr. Gonye, a marriage counsellor based in Thika, Kenya, commitment to marriage is unique because it is a lifetime commitment unlike in other settings where it can be contractual. ‘Commitment takes more than just feelings as your mind, body and soul must be involved in commitment. Initially commitment in relationships is not easy but it eventually becomes automatic after continually deciding to commit.’ Commitment is very fulfilling as it provides a sense of security to the relationships and builds strong ties that last.’ Dr. Gonye says.
There is no great feeling of fulfilment than knowing that someone you love is by your side when you are at your lowest moment. The bad feelings that coming from familiarity are common in all relationships, it how you choose to handle them that determines whether you are committed or not. Every relationship must therefore be tested to determine whether there was commitment or not and relationships based on convenience do not withstand the test of commitment. This ingredient is not present in many relationships yet it is vital to the growth of any meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Decide to commit to that one person for better and for worse.
You can read more about pillars of long lasting relationships from my book co-written with a friend entitled ‘So You Want to Get Into Courtship.’ You can get it from all bookshops in Kenya or write us an emails at courtshipbooks@gmail.com, and we will deliver it to you wherever you are. You can also like our facebook page for relationship quotes; https://www.facebook.com/pages/So-You-Want-To-Get-Into-Courtship/249854101696789?ref=hl

NEVER LET A MAN DESTROY YOUR LIFE!

31 Oct

A friend of mine shared with me this post and I decided to share it further. He had noted that people sacrifice a lot for love even when it is not worth it. Love is everything to some people but I do not think that it should cost your life or dignity.

It might be hard to get over the man you love, but you won’t know until you try. You women, you tend to continue relationships that destroy who You are – physically, socially and mentally .You give up your individuality, happiness, families, friends, pride, wealth and success- in order to satisfy us man in your lives. Can you face it girls, You are strong and can achieve so much without anyone’s help, so why let someone destroy what you worked hard for? Can you appreciate, love and believe Your ourselves. Elizabeth Nkau said: “I cooked and cleaned for him, stopped talking to all my male friends, came home early to him, bore a baby for him and what did I get? A promise to get married, which never happened, two other babies from another woman, a string of girlfriends calling his house and a Death sentence of HIV/Aids. Was it all worth it? No, I knew all along he was cheating, but I stayed because I loved him. I never realized he didn’t love me back. A man who cheats does not love you, he just likes you.”I am waiting for my last breath as I lie in my bed, helpless, knowing I will leave my child without a mother.”Ladies, please don’t end up like this.”Send this to all your girlfriends and male friends who can handle the truth.Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep. At least fifteen people in this world love you. The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least two people in this world that would die for you. You mean the world to someone. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look. Always remember the compliments you’ve received. Forget the rude remarks.

Are you Addicted to Bad Relationships?

11 Jun

Do you often find that you involve yourself in relationships that disappoint you? Are you not getting what you need and desire from the people you choose to date? Does there always seem to be something missing? If you answered yes to one or all of those questions, you could very well be addicted to disappointing and bad relationships, setting yourself up for failure without even knowing it. There are ways you can determine whether you are addicted or not, and ways you can break the addiction and start getting what you have always wanted from a relationship.

Before we cover the symptoms of addiction, it is important that we cover the dangers of staying in a bad relationship. Since bad relationships lack what one or both partners’ need, stress becomes a regular part of your life, as well a gradual lowering of your self-esteem, which will make you unable to focus on your career and personal life with the concentration and care needed, in order for you to be happy. The constant stress will produce chemical changes in your body that drain your energy and make you more eligible for physical illnesses. Physical abuse in a relationship is obvious to cause a lot of physical harm, along with great psychological damage, but in spite of these facts, many people still choose to proceed with such relationships, finding themselves trapped and incapable of leaving. They find themselves depressed, on a search for some relief and unfortunately becoming depressed and possibly turning to drugs and alcohol.

So what are the symptoms of this addiction? Ignoring the truth would be one. If you truly know that the relationship you are in is making you unhappy but make no effort to exit from it, then you are in denial and are holding yourself hostage in a situation you do not have to be in. Making excuses for your partner’s disappointing and bad behavior will keep you trapped and is another huge symptom of bad relationship addiction, especially if the excuses you produce do not back up the facts and are unrealistic. If you do finally build up the courage to confront your partner to leave him or her but are overcome with fear and therefore back off from the confrontation, you are a high and sure victim of addiction because no matter what you attempt, you find yourself always giving in and holding on to what you know is bad for you. Suffering from both physical and mental discomfort once broken up, unless you get back together, is yet another symptom of addiction and should not be denied or ignored.

What causes addiction to bad relationships? There are several levels and everyone’s addiction is different and varies. One common reason is the feeling and belief that if you end the relationship, you will never find anyone else who could possibly be interested in you or love you. You grow so attached to your partner that you forgot your life before him or her, making you feel fearful of being on your own and taking care of yourself. Fear of criticism is another reason many people remain in bad relationships. They are afraid of what people will say, believing that ending a relationship means that they are a failure and being alone is unacceptable and terrifying. Other reasons may be financial support that you are receiving from a partner, making you feel that you should tolerate bad behavior from your lover, since they are supporting you. Having a child together can also blind you or cause you to deny a bad relationship, making you feel guilty for leaving your child’s mother or father. On a deeper level, you could be addicted to disappointing and bad relationships due to your upbringing or experiences as a child yourself. Perhaps you were not nurtured or loved enough and you now think it is normal to be neglected from love, care and understanding.

What should you do and how can you break a bad relationship addiction? Since this addiction is difficult and basically impossible for you to end on your own, counseling would be the best assistance for you. Find a counselor or service in which experts provide their services through, and take that first step in accepting the fact that you have an addiction and that you need and want help to conquer it. Start being a best friend to yourself and open the door to all the feelings you have kept locked up for so long. Stay focused and encourage yourself frequently by setting a goal, and picturing yourself away from all the disappointment and closer to all the happiness and good health you need, desire and deserve as a person. Never give up and know that you are not alone. There are people who can help you, know how to help and will help you. Mainly, keep in mind that there will always be a person who will be by your side and never leave you, always giving you the strength, love and support you need and that person is YOU.